Previously Published
by Jack Lait and Lee Mortimer
NEW YORK CONFIDENTIAL CHICAGO CONFIDENTIAL
by Jack Lait
HELP WANTED (a play) THE BIG HOUSE BROADWAY MELODY BEAST OF THE CITY PUT ON THE SPOT GANGSTER GIRL BEEF, IRON AND WINE (short stories) GUS THE BUS OUR WILL ROGERS WILL ROGERS’ WIT AND WISDOM A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL WRITING
by Lee Mortimer
NEW YORK BEHIND THE SCENES
WASHINGTON Confidential
BY JACK LAIT AND LEE MORTIMER
CROWN PUBLISHERS, INC. NEW YORK
COPYRIGHT, 1951, BY CROWN PUBLISHERS, INC.
Second Printing, February 1951
Printed in the United States of America American Book--Knickerbocker Press, Inc., New York
The Confidential Contents
Introduction: WASHINGTON CONFIDENTIAL ix
Part One--THE PLACES (Confidential!)
1. DISTRICT OF CONFUSION 1 Washington’s whys and wherefores, guaranteed to mystify, amaze and amuse.
2. “GORGEOUS” GEORGETOWN 8 No relation to the wrestler, only sometimes he makes more sense than the rich big domes and fancy queers who reside in this made-to-order Greenwich Village.
3. NW COULD MEAN NOWHERE 12 North West is the only section of Washington which counts. On the other hand, what is there in it you won’t find in Denver, Detroit or Dubuque, except the White House?
4. NOT-SO-TENDER TENDERLOIN 21 Where the hustlers hustle.
5. HOBOS WITH NO HORIZONS 30 They can’t vote the bums in Washington’s flophouses, otherwise these skidrows are like your home-town Bowery, except there are three.
6. GREEN PASTURES 34 Here the poor, downtrodden colored folk are not equal, they’re superior. And there are more of them. This is a Negro Heaven.
7. MIGHTY LIKE A ROSE 46 Where the blackest crimes are hatched.
8. CHINATOWN CHIPPIES 56 Washington’s Chinatown offers inducements other than Chop Suey and Chow Mein.
9. THE OVERFLOW 62 A. The Free State--where anything goes for a price. B. The Policy of the Old Dominion is policy.
10. UNCLE SAM: LANDLORD 70 The government owns 40% of the land. Read this and find out what happens on it.
Part Two--THE PEOPLE (Confidential!)
11. THERE’S NOTHING LIKE A DAME 74 You can say that again about those in Washington.
12. G-GIRLS 77 They come in two grades: A. Government Gals--they’re many and not so glamorous. B. Glamour Gals--they’re few and not so glamorous.
13. COMPANY GALS 83 Being a dissertation on a specialty known only to Washington and how one finds same.
14. FOR IMMORAL PURPOSES 86 The capital was made for lupos. An elucidation on how one goes about being one.
15. GARDEN OF PANSIES 90 The hand-on-hip set wins the battle of Washington.
16. THE LITTLE RED HERRINGS 99 Agrarian reformers--that’s what the bright State Department lads call them, in other countries. We call those in Washington traitors.
17. KICKING THE GONG AROUND 107 When we speak of hopheads, we don’t mean Congressmen.
18. THE YOUNG IN HEART 118 Until we read this book we liked children. In Washington the little dears are devils.
19. BOOZE AND BOTTLES 123 Washingtonians imbibe three times as much as you. Where they get it, how and why, with pointers on what to do with your hollow leg.
20. CAFE AU CORN 131 That’s Washington’s Cafe Society.
21. CALL ME MADAME 134 With apologies to Irv Berlin. Being the story of the Social Climbers who climbed in when SOCIETY climbed out.
22. STRIPED PANTS 144 Elsewhere men who wear ’em bury the dead; in Washington most who wear them are dead but not buried. That’s the sad tale of what happened to the once oh, so gay diplomatic corps.
23. LOBBYIST’S LICENSE--THE RIGHT TO PETITION 155 The population consists of so many five percenters, lobbyists, fixers, lawyers, press agents and men from Missouri, you’d think everyone was taking advantage of the Constitutional guarantee.
24. RACKETS BY REMOTE CONTROL 171 Washington’s underworld is operated by local overseers for absentee landlords. This is how the system works.
25. WHO’S WHO IN MOBOCRACY 177 The Blue Book of the silk-lined aristocracy who own the works.
26. THE TERROR FROM TENNESSEE 194 Estes in Plunderland.
27. LUCKY NUMBERS 206 After all, politics is a gamble, so why shouldn’t the citizens do it too?
28. IT’S A CRIME 213 Murder and mayhem, rape and robbery are pastimes in Washington. Jail? Don’t be naïve.
29. THE LAW 220 The poor, underpaid coppers, who try to enforce it.
30. HOW TO STAY OUT OF JAIL 229 Hire the right lawyer and bondsman. This will name him.
31. THE BOSSES 234 They’re responsible for the works working. Maybe that’s why they don’t.
32. THE MONARCHS OF THE METROPOLIS 240 The “Honorable” members of Congress.
33. WIRETAPPERS, SNOOPS AND SPIES 245 The only thing they can’t tap is sign language.
Part Three--THE ESCAPE (Confidential!)
34. THE TUESDAY TO THURSDAY SET 254 Where shall we go? Anywhere, but most head north to New York, Philly and Atlantic City.
35. BALTIMORE CONFIDENTIAL 258 Baltimore is less than an hour away, but what a difference! You’ll find things here they never heard of even in Chicago.
Part Four--THE LOWDOWN (Confidential!)
36. INSIDE STUFF 276 What they don’t teach you in school.
37. TIPS ON THE TOWNS 281 Advice for the visitor with much that’s unknown to the natives.
38. CONFIDENTIAL GUIDE TO WASHINGTON AND BALTIMORE 292 Where to find what, when, including much you should never want, but if you do--
Part Five--THE APPENDIX (Confidential!)
A. HEADWAITERS’ NAMES 298 This and a sawbuck will get you an insult.
B. GUSTATORY GUIDE 298 Where to find what food, when.
C. DINING AROUND THE WORLD 300 For those who don’t rate bids to embassies, but want to eat foreign.
D. BARE BABES 301 Where to find ’em. Or where to keep away from ’em, which is harder.
E. LUPO’S LOG BOOK 301 Being some notes to file away where your wife won’t look.
F. THE INNER CIRCLE 302 Extracts from the list of 800.
INDEX 307